World Cup Cricket
Ali Bacher is one of the great runners of all time. Every morning he hauls himself out of the bed he got into just a few hours before and goes for a jog to clear his head in readiness for the juggernaut of the day ahead.
He has spent a lot of his time running to Johannesburg International airport this week, where, together with the ever-entertaining Percy Sonn, he has been a member of the "meet and greet" show that welcomes teams to the Cricket World Cup.
His welcoming is as relentless as his running and while I do not doubt that he means it in all sincerity every time he says it, I will scream if I hear him say: "Welcome to the ICC Cricket World Cup 2003. You are coming to a country that has gone cricket mad," once more. Actually I will hear it once more. I am due at the Australian press conference as soon as I finish writing this column.
I discovered this week that there was a time when Bacher ran too much for his own good. The second-last entry in the The Cricketer Book of Cricket Eccentrics and Eccentric Behaviour notes an incident they call "possibly the world's worst running episode" in which the good doctor had a prominent part.
He was playing in a club match for Balfour Park, batting with Archer Wilson when Wilson hit the ball into the covers and both batsmen started on a quick single.
"Halfway down the track, Wilson called 'No' and turned back. Both batsmen were heading for the striker's wicket, and both made their ground. The ball was sent immediately to the bowler's end, and the bowler, doubtless surprised by finding both batsmen heading towards him, broke the wicket without the ball in his hand.
"The batsmen then split up, Wilson heading for the 'keeper's end and Bacher staying put. But then communications between 'keeper and bowler broke down, and Bacher and Wilson were tempted out of their respective creases.
"Further cries of 'Yes', 'No', 'Wait', 'Sorry' ensued, and by the time order had been restored, the batsmen were still not out but both had run more than 100 yards, both sets of stumps were flat on the ground, and not a single run had been scored."
We may be sadly short of eccentrics at this World Cup, with professionalism having sucked the fun out of most sports.
I'm sure we can count on Herschelle Gibbs to add a little sparkle to his catching celebrations, Ricky Ponting to ignore his stated mission to make Australia a better behaved team and thus indulge in some world-class sledging and one of the Canadians to score a six off the back of his bat.
But will we ever see the likes of Bobby Peel, a bowler with Yorkshire who was a drinker with a cricket problem? Like most drinkers he believed that he would be good on the other side of the bar counter and bought himself a pub, which he used to top up his blood alcohol level as often as possible.
How he played well is a mystery.
He was banned from the team for "running the wrong way and bowling at the pavilion in the belief that it was a batsman". Or there was the time, the final time, when he celebrated scoring 210 not out, his highest score ever, by going on the tear. The next day, still in a state of disrepair, he walked on to the field and "relieved himself on the pitch". He was banned for life.
He's not the only one. Graeme Pollock, Eddie Barlow and a few other South Africans took a whizz on the Old Trafford pitch after they had won a match there.
The Book of Eccentrics lists a few words of war from Fred Trueman and South Africa's Peter Heine that Brett Lee and Allan Donald may want to consider using in the World Cup.
Trueman hit Middlesex and England batsman Peter Parfitt full in the face and Parfitt retired hurt. Having discovered that nothing was broken Parfitt returned to be greeted by Trueman: "When I hit 'em they don't usually come back."
Heine was as vicious a bowler and as astute a talker. After a batsman had taken one of his deliveries to the head, Heine walked up to his victim and looked at his head: "No blood? I must be getting old."
The IT director at The Star is Dave Tiffin, who happens to be the brother of the Zimbabwean umpire Russell. As his brother has copped it in the neck a few times for his decisions in Australia, Dave may want to tell Russell this story.
When Australian captain Bill Lawry asked why he was given out umpire Arthur Fagg said straight-faced: "LBW."
"LBW?" said Lawry in disgust, "but I hit the bloody ball."
"I know," said Fagg. "That's why you were given out caught behind."
And, finally, the reason China is not at the World Cup is because of a man who did not like running at all. A fat Chinaman who had discovered cricket in England introduced his mates to the game when he got back home. As he did not enjoy fielding, he attached the ball, via a long string, to the bowler, making the deep fielders redundant. Only two runs were scored in the match, "which had an adverse effect on the Chinamen, who declared that cricket was futile and promptly retired from the game".
Ali Bacher is one of the great runners of all time. Every morning he hauls himself out of the bed he got into just a few hours before and goes for a jog to clear his head in readiness for the juggernaut of the day ahead.
He has spent a lot of his time running to Johannesburg International airport this week, where, together with the ever-entertaining Percy Sonn, he has been a member of the "meet and greet" show that welcomes teams to the Cricket World Cup.
His welcoming is as relentless as his running and while I do not doubt that he means it in all sincerity every time he says it, I will scream if I hear him say: "Welcome to the ICC Cricket World Cup 2003. You are coming to a country that has gone cricket mad," once more. Actually I will hear it once more. I am due at the Australian press conference as soon as I finish writing this column.
I discovered this week that there was a time when Bacher ran too much for his own good. The second-last entry in the The Cricketer Book of Cricket Eccentrics and Eccentric Behaviour notes an incident they call "possibly the world's worst running episode" in which the good doctor had a prominent part.
He was playing in a club match for Balfour Park, batting with Archer Wilson when Wilson hit the ball into the covers and both batsmen started on a quick single.
"Halfway down the track, Wilson called 'No' and turned back. Both batsmen were heading for the striker's wicket, and both made their ground. The ball was sent immediately to the bowler's end, and the bowler, doubtless surprised by finding both batsmen heading towards him, broke the wicket without the ball in his hand.
"The batsmen then split up, Wilson heading for the 'keeper's end and Bacher staying put. But then communications between 'keeper and bowler broke down, and Bacher and Wilson were tempted out of their respective creases.
"Further cries of 'Yes', 'No', 'Wait', 'Sorry' ensued, and by the time order had been restored, the batsmen were still not out but both had run more than 100 yards, both sets of stumps were flat on the ground, and not a single run had been scored."
We may be sadly short of eccentrics at this World Cup, with professionalism having sucked the fun out of most sports.
I'm sure we can count on Herschelle Gibbs to add a little sparkle to his catching celebrations, Ricky Ponting to ignore his stated mission to make Australia a better behaved team and thus indulge in some world-class sledging and one of the Canadians to score a six off the back of his bat.
But will we ever see the likes of Bobby Peel, a bowler with Yorkshire who was a drinker with a cricket problem? Like most drinkers he believed that he would be good on the other side of the bar counter and bought himself a pub, which he used to top up his blood alcohol level as often as possible.
How he played well is a mystery.
He was banned from the team for "running the wrong way and bowling at the pavilion in the belief that it was a batsman". Or there was the time, the final time, when he celebrated scoring 210 not out, his highest score ever, by going on the tear. The next day, still in a state of disrepair, he walked on to the field and "relieved himself on the pitch". He was banned for life.
He's not the only one. Graeme Pollock, Eddie Barlow and a few other South Africans took a whizz on the Old Trafford pitch after they had won a match there.
The Book of Eccentrics lists a few words of war from Fred Trueman and South Africa's Peter Heine that Brett Lee and Allan Donald may want to consider using in the World Cup.
Trueman hit Middlesex and England batsman Peter Parfitt full in the face and Parfitt retired hurt. Having discovered that nothing was broken Parfitt returned to be greeted by Trueman: "When I hit 'em they don't usually come back."
Heine was as vicious a bowler and as astute a talker. After a batsman had taken one of his deliveries to the head, Heine walked up to his victim and looked at his head: "No blood? I must be getting old."
The IT director at The Star is Dave Tiffin, who happens to be the brother of the Zimbabwean umpire Russell. As his brother has copped it in the neck a few times for his decisions in Australia, Dave may want to tell Russell this story.
When Australian captain Bill Lawry asked why he was given out umpire Arthur Fagg said straight-faced: "LBW."
"LBW?" said Lawry in disgust, "but I hit the bloody ball."
"I know," said Fagg. "That's why you were given out caught behind."
And, finally, the reason China is not at the World Cup is because of a man who did not like running at all. A fat Chinaman who had discovered cricket in England introduced his mates to the game when he got back home. As he did not enjoy fielding, he attached the ball, via a long string, to the bowler, making the deep fielders redundant. Only two runs were scored in the match, "which had an adverse effect on the Chinamen, who declared that cricket was futile and promptly retired from the game".
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