'Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.' NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
Quack, quack
Before the 16th century a doctor was someone who taught, or a scholar, usually of religion. By the early 17th century the term was firmly established as a name for medical practitioners. At the same time, the Dutch import "quack" popped up to describe a medical charlatan. It's short for "quacksalver" (from kwaksalver, someone who "quacked" their salves or cures). "To quack" meant to boast or brag and shares its origins with the word now universally used to describe the sound of a duck.
Croak, croak
"Toady" (as in "sycophant") comes from "toadeater", one half of an 18th-century pair of con artists, who would swallow a toad in public and then beg his quack doctor-partner to cure him with a "magical elixir".
Baa, baa
In the late 17th century, there was a widespread medical opinion that overly passionate people could be calmed by the blood of a more docile animal. In 1667 the first fully-documented human blood transfusion was administered by Dr Jean Denis, physician to King Louis XIV. He transfused sheep's blood into a young boy who duly recovered. Samuel Pepys describes a similar treatment for a Cambridge graduate, Arthur Coga, who agreed to have 20 ounces of sheep's blood transfused into his body. After the transfusion Pepys noted that, "he is a little cracked in his head, though he speaks very reasonably".
Mesmerising
Dr Franz Anton Mesmer (1734-1815) was an Austrian physician who believed everything that acted on the body – gravity, magnetism, electricity, heat and light – was controlled by a "universal fluid". Illness occurred when the flow of this fluid was interrupted, so he developed an elaborate theory, called animal magnetism, the practical application of which involved Mesmer, often dressed in a purple robe and wielding a white wand, attempting to remove the blockage with magnets or the touch of his hands. A 1785 commission of scientists, including Benjamin Franklin and Antoine Lavoisier, failed to detect any evidence of the existence of this universal fluid. Mesmer left Paris in disgrace shortly afterwards and was never heard of again. However, he did leave us with a verb – "to mesmerise" – and his work helped inspire the Scottish surgeon James Braid to develop hypnosis in 1842.
Blue Mass
In America in the 1800s tuberculosis, toothache, childbirth, constipation, worms and many other maladies were "treated" with a blue pill called Blue Mass. Not only were the pills ineffective, they were actively toxic and contained high levels of mercury. Blue Mass also came as an ointment to treat syphilis, as a gargle and an eyewash. Abraham Lincoln took the pills for a while, until he became President, as treatment for melancholy. Some historians say the Blue Mass explains Lincoln's temper: he himself once complained in a letter to a friend that taking them made him "cross".
Rest cure
Silas Weir Mitchell (1829?1914), the American physician and historical novelist, is now best remembered for his rather extreme method of treating women with "hysteria". The Weir Mitchell rest cure confined a woman to bed for six weeks with strict instructions for her not to sit up. Only a nurse was permitted to brush the patient's teeth. The women used a bedpan and were washed in the evening with a sponge. Mealtimes were milk, then slowly, more solid food, fed by the nurse. To prevent their muscles atrophying the women were treated with massage and, in extreme cases, electrical stimulation. Most cases of "hysteria" would now be diagnosed as post?natal depression.
Snake oil
Despite its reputation, snake oil is good for you. The oil from the fat-sacks of snakes is a rich source of heart disease- and cancer-busting Omega?3 fatty acids. Chinese water-snake oil contains even more of these wonder substances than salmon.
